There are days when my heart is heavier than others. Days when melancholia lingers around my head, like a mist, brushing its soft hands against my skin. A feeling I try to shake off but, some days it just settles right back down on my shoulders like dust falling back to Earth, after being temporarily disturbed.
Today my head is filled with thoughts of my children. It’s a strange thing to be forty one years of age and still get a little start when you realise you are responsible for five little people (not all little anymore but in my heart they are all my babies). Sweet Jesus, there are days I wonder at my ability to mind myself (as can be seen by the clothes I often choose to wear) so knowing that five other people look to me for guidance can be nerve wracking.
I think all this comes from the love I feel towards these mini me’s (and mini him’s too). At times it’s overwhelming, a physical ache in my soul (not of the religious kind might I add…more my aethiest inner-me kind). Every decision we make, bad or good, impacts on them. I’ve made some bad decisions, done some stupid things but in everything I’ve done I’ve only wanted for them to be safe and happy. Isn’t that what we all want? I don’t care if they fail over and over again as long as they get up, dust themselves off and try again. I want them to be independent but to know that I’m always in the wings, hands outstretched ready to catch them. I want my children to be confident, kind, hopeful, happy. Above all I want them to know they are loved.
And on misty days like today I worry if I’m getting it right. Because I can be cross and unreasonable, selfish and impatient and there are times I hear my voice preaching away to my kids and it wrecks my own head (do any of you ever find yourself ranting and realising you have completely lost the run of yourself but its to late to turn back!!!). Jesus, no one told me this parent lark was going to be so bloody emotional….I am a girl who cries when the sad music comes on in Home and Away for God’s sake so, in fairness, the odds are stacked against me!!!
Phew…. Heaveeey or what. 😯 Sorry but, just needed to get this out. Ye are now like my free therapy group. Sometimes all I need to do is get the feelings out and I feel better. So as I write this last bit my heart is lighter. We are all human and can only do our best. But, as long as there is love in your heart it’ll all be ok. To love and be loved, unconditionally, is all we need to survive the roller coaster that is life
I plan on posting again later… (“Please baby Jesus and all the saints in hell, noooo” I hear you cry!!!) but, do not despair! I have a few free hours later to write so I’ll only be checking in with a quick word count.
Thanks for listening…. Next time I feel a therapy piece coming on I’ll start with “my name is Deborah and I’m a nut job” so ye will all have fair warning!
enjoy the rest of the day peeps
Deb x 💛