Some days my entire self is made up of worry and guilt – 50/50 split. Now, this is not the norm. There is of course always a smathering of worry and guilt in everyday, but just your normal run of the mill kind. Yet some days they are all there is.
I worry about: my house not being tidy and clean, my kids not getting enough sleep, me not getting enough sleep, not cooking a better variety of food, the kids school lunches not being nutritious enough, the dogs needing more exercise, the dogs being alone during the day, the oil going to run out, the house being warm enough, not training enough, not being able to write, not being good enough, not being funny enough, not talking enough to the lady in the shop,….
I feel guilty about: the house not being tidy and clean (wtf?!), shouting at the kids in the morning mayhem before school, the dinner not being nice enough, having run out of nice yogurts for lunches, not having taken the dogs for a walk, not having lit the fire earlier, not having gone for a run, not having written….not ……not…
It’s so easy to slip into this mode and it’s only when I catch myself that I realise how stupid (or mental..the choice is yours!) I am being. I have no one to blame for any of these feelings, only myself. Nobody can make you feel guilty or worried (although kids jumping off a shaky tree-house onto a rusty trampoline in the dark does not help matters!). And when I catch myself and think about all I do right and all I am that is right I realise that I’m quite something.
The past few days the writing, or non-writing, has been playing on my mind. By now, with my 500 words a day, I should have 8000 words written. And my grand total is 3012. So I’m a bit short (a bit! do ya hear yer one!!!). This little wasp has been rattling round my wee brain and its been driving me crazy. But not anymore. And do you know why? Because today I don’t give a fuck. And why pray tell do not a fuck I give, I hear you cry? Simple. I’m happy in my skin and I’m happy with the effort I’ve made over the past few weeks. I’m happy that I managed to get 3000 words down with everything else that goes on in this mad, busy, lovely house, world. It’s 3000 words more than I had sixteen days ago. And today I know that I will do better. I want to improve on what I’ve done but I’ll do in on my terms and I’ll enjoy it. Keep on trucking and if I get a little bit better everyday, every week, I’m on the right road.
Gonna still keep the 500 a day target because it is a great motivator and I’ll try not to miss any other days blogging (good news eh?!!). But, I’ll also be kind to myself. I’m gonna take Whitman’s advice and celebrate myself and sing myself….and sure if any of ye feel like joining in you’re more than welcome!!!! (as in celebrate and sing yourselves…not me…Jesus, I know I’m up my own hole this evening but I’m not that far gone yet!!).
Happy Valentines Day all you gorgeous people! Feel the love!