It’s been over a month now since my last post. At that time I had broken the 40k word count and was riding the crest of the wave. This wave had trundled back to shore, not covering much ground and carrying very little with it.
There is a glitch in my head, a little fault that sparks and blows the entire network. Almost like a trip switch that is triggered by something good being achieved. Because as soon as I feel like I’m on a roll, as soon as the engines are blasting and the juice is flowing, it’s like I shut down. The procrastinator crawls out from under her rock, the self-doubter dusts herself off with a wink and a grin and the under-achiever cracks her knuckles ready for the weeks ahead. Is this glitch only in my head? Or is it something that happens to all writers? Do any other writers feel they have suddenly found their groove only to have it disappear into the ether right in front of their eyes? Nights I lie in bed with thoughts of the book dancing behind my eyelids. Days I hear the voices of my characters whispering in my ears. But when I breathe they are blown away, just beyond my reach.
I plan, jesus do I plan. I plan to write at this time, plan to blog on these days, plan to organise myself and create a routine that I will follow and never deviate from. And then I do nothing.
Tonight I made myself sit and write. I didn’t want to. The dull echo in my head said there was no point. It told me, like it does very often these days, that I am just kidding myself with this writing lark. If I was a real writer I would be lining the words up everyday and getting through it. But over these past few weeks I have not being doing it and I have not once in those weeks thought of myself as a real writer. And I am you know. I really am. And tonight I proved that to myself again. I have been sitting here for nearly three hours now and I have been carried away on the wings of my story. I have re-engaged with the chapter I was working on, and I have believed in the journey my characters are taking. And tomorrow I will take baby steps. I won’t be overwhelmed by how far behind I am. I will look forward and move forward. And I will try to be better and to do better.
Life can be daunting. And your dreams can be overpowering. When you dare to dream it can be a scary place. There is the fear of failure, of disappointment. But it is a far worse thing to live your life and never dare to dream. It is never too late, or too slow, or too hard, or too much. The dark clouds won’t always hang overhead. I believe in the beauty of my dreams. And while I will have times when I’m moving in the wrong direction, I will always turn around and get myself back on the right path. I want to touch the moon and the stars. I want to break free from my orbit. And on the days I write my reach is that little bit longer and the sparkle of the moon and stars that little bit nearer.
Never give up on life. Never give up on yourself. Every day the sun rises. A new day, a new start. So take it and run with it.